Imagine living each day on stage, carefully scripting your every move to appear “normal.” If you’re an autistic or ADHD woman, this likely feels familiar. Masking means hiding your neurodivergent traits to fit into a neurotypical world. It’s a survival tactic many women use to avoid stigma or standing out. Because this hidden struggle is often misunderstood, it’s vital to talk about it. Understanding masking can validate your experience and encourage others to see the real you.
What Is Masking, and Why Do Women Do It?
Masking involves concealing your natural behaviours and imitating “normal” ones so you blend in. You might force eye contact, rehearse chit-chat, or hold back your true reactions. Perhaps you hide your calming fidgets or tone down your energy to avoid seeming odd or hyperactive. Essentially, you’re performing constantly to escape negative attention.
Why do it? Societal expectations are a big factor. From childhood, girls are expected to be quiet and polite. If your autistic or ADHD traits didn’t fit that mould, you learned to camouflage them to avoid teasing or judgement. Also, autism and ADHD in females have long been overlooked, so masking often felt necessary. In short, you mask to stay safe and accepted in a world that hasn’t fully accepted the real you.
Masking in Women with Both Autism and ADHD: A Unique Experience
For women with both autism and ADHD, masking can feel like a double burden. You’re covering two sets of traits at once. One part of you might carefully copy social behaviours to hide autistic traits, while another part fights the urge to fidget or blurt things out to hide ADHD impulsivity. Managing this double act is extremely tiring. Sometimes the two sides even conflict – maybe one part of you craves routine and quiet, while another part is restless and impulsive – making the balancing act even harder.
The Long-Term Consequences of Masking
Over time, masking often leads to burnout. Keeping up a façade all day drains your energy; you may come home utterly spent and eventually reach a point where you can’t cope at all. It also harms your mental health. The constant stress of pretending fuels anxiety and depression – you’re always on guard, afraid of slipping up socially, and it wears you down emotionally. Another effect is identity loss: after years of conforming, you might realise you no longer know your true likes or personality. And because you appeared “fine,” many women only get their diagnosis later in life, missing out on support in childhood. In these ways, masking – while helping you get through the day – can deeply hurt your mental and emotional health.
Personal Stories and Lived Experiences
Real-life stories show what masking feels like. Ashra, 26, says she became so good at acting “normal” that she started to doubt which feelings were truly hers. She would laugh at jokes she didn’t find funny and mirror her friends just to fit in. Later she’d wonder, “Was that really me, or just my mask?”
Another woman recalled being a quiet, perfect student in school while secretly struggling. Stories like these reveal the loneliness and confusion that come with masking. You might see your own experiences reflected in them – and feel relief in finally understanding yourself. Remember, you are not alone: many others have lived behind masks and are now finding acceptance.
Breaking Free: Embracing Authenticity and Seeking Support
How can you start to shed the mask and live more authentically? Begin with small steps in safe spaces. Notice when you’re masking and practice dropping it in comfortable settings. At home or with a trusted friend, allow yourself to stim, speak freely, or say when you’ve had enough. Each time you do this successfully, you gain confidence that it’s okay to be yourself.
Seeking support is also vital. Connecting with other autistic and ADHD women can be life-changing – it’s a relief to be with people who get it so you don’t have to pretend. Professional guidance can help too: a neurodiversity-friendly therapist might help you build coping strategies and self-acceptance. And don’t hesitate to request changes at work or school so you don’t have to mask constantly.
Finally, be kind to yourself. You wore a mask to protect yourself – there’s no shame in that. Now you deserve to prioritise your well-being. Unmasking is a gradual journey, and it’s okay to go at your own pace. As you live more openly, you’ll likely regain energy and confidence in who you are. The real you has always been there, and people who truly matter will embrace the real you.
In brief…
Masking has hidden the struggles of autistic and ADHD women for too long. If you’ve been living behind a mask, remember: you did it to survive, not because you’re broken. Now that awareness is growing, you have the right to be yourself. By gradually unmasking and seeking support, you can find a healthier, happier life – and help build a future where neurodivergent women don’t feel they must hide.
References:
Bradley, L., Shaw, R., Baron-Cohen, S., & Cassidy, S. (2021). Autistic Adults’ Experiences of Camouflaging and Its Perceived Impact on Mental Health. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4), 320–329.
Cassidy, S., Bradley, L., Shaw, R., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2018). Risk markers for suicidality in autistic adults. Molecular Autism, 9, Article 42.
Hull, L., Mandy, W., Lai, M.-C., et al. (2019). Development and Validation of the Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire (CAT-Q). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(3), 819–833.
Young, S., et al. (2020). Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach to identify and treat ADHD in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry, 20(1), 404.
Wicherkiewicz, F., & Gambin, M. (2024). Social Camouflaging, Life Satisfaction, and Depression in Women with ADHD. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. (Advance online publication).
Tonks, G., & Lopez, B. (2024). “Being a woman is 100% significant to my experiences of ADHD and autism”: Gendered implications of an adulthood AuDHD diagnosis. Qualitative Health Research, 34(10), 1058–1071.
“Get Your Free Ebook: NOT BROKEN”